A few years ago, my mother died unexpectedly and I was left to take care of my father. In his late 70s at the time, my father had never written a check or paid a bill. He had been completely dependent on my mother to run the household. In addition, my parents had been lifetime companions, married for 55 years. Her death left him bereft, lost and vulnerable. On top of this, he was in the early stages of dementia.
Into this enormous void stepped a woman who can only be described as an experienced manipulator of older men. In retrospect, it was a classic case of elder abuse. My father was financially well off and not bad looking. She targeted him, he ‘fell in love’, and a three-year saga began in which I – a tough, seasoned business attorney – struggled to stay one step ahead of this woman’s schemes to get my father to marry her, or at least to get her hands on his considerable assets. Even with my knowledge of the law and extensive experience, I had absolutely no idea what to do. Few children do when they find themselves in this situation.
For the vast majority of adult children with aging parents, by the time one or more of their parents becomes the victim of a third-party predator, it is too late to turn it around. Think about it for a moment. Old age is associated with loss: loss of spouse, loss of home, loss of job and thus income, loss of status, loss of goals, loss of identity, loss of health, loss of looks, loss of social ties and more. It happens fast. Upon retirement, older adults transition from being active, contributing members of society to irrelevance. They are expected to step aside, and even if they want to remain engaged, the door to meaningful and fulfilling work is rarely open. Feelings of isolation (especially of one is sent to assisted living or a nursing home), depression, lack of purpose, and low self-esteem can be exacerbated by physical and cognitive decline. Worse, as people age they know they are running out of time. If life is empty, meaningless, and hopeless, and people feel unwanted, even discarded, one can only imagine what happens when someone purports to give them their life back. All at once they feel needed, cared about, and most of all young and normal!! It is virtually impossible to sever this kind of relationship.
Since this happened to my father, and in my work as a lawyer/gerontologist, I have repeatedly witnessed this scenario. Lonely men and women who perceive they have nothing to lose are easily led into destructive relationships without understanding what has happened to them. The end result is often the same: the victim’s money has been squandered, perhaps his/her home has been sold, and the love interest has disappeared or is judgment proof (or more likely both). In any event, these cases are seldom prosecuted due to lack of personal and government resources and their sheer volume. It is left to the family to pick up the pieces.
My father was lucky. One of his neighbours reported the ‘girlfriend’ for verbally abusing him. I was in the right place at the right time when Adult Protective Services called him to ask about it. With their help and his consent, I put him under the protection of the court. When the girlfriend eventually learned of this, she left. However, by then she had moved into his home, taken over his car and credit cards and was writing checks on his accounts. Had this fortuitous phone call not occurred, the outcome could have been entirely different.
I wish to add that although ‘love’ scams are probably the most dangerous forms of financial abuse, there are myriad fraudulent schemes targeting the old and vulnerable. These include (but are not limited to) telephone/Internet and/or postal schemes (telemarketing, fake penalties or taxes, lottery/prize winner, fake unpaid debts, travel, bank, pension, and charity scams, family member in trouble); home repair scams; strangers ingratiating themselves and befriending lonely elders; investment and get rich quick schemes; insurance hoaxes; medical/ pharmaceutical and health scams; funeral scams; and intentional car accidents. Such undertakings are generally perpetrated by strangers. However, friends and family members can also exploit and cheat elders through power of attorney, joint bank accounts, living trusts and wills, caregiving arrangements, guardianships, and real estate transactions. To aggravate this, these shameless acts may find support from unscrupulous lawyers, accountants, and financial advisors who have their own self-interested motives and fraudulent intentions. When it comes to the vulnerable, anyone in a position of trust is well positioned to create mischief.
How can you protect your family and its assets? First, pay attention. Communicate with your parents on a regular basis. Know who they associate with and who you/they can trust. Understand their finances and where they bank. Know their issues and ask questions. Educate yourself and know where to get help. If necessary, take action. Most importantly, be trustworthy yourself.
About the Author
Patricia O’Neill (DPhil) is an alumnus of the Oxford Institute of Population Ageing. She is currently a Visiting Academic at Contemporary China Studies (SIAS), Oxford University and an Associate in Research, Fairbank Center of Chinese Studies, Harvard University.
Comments Welcome:
We welcome your comments on this or any of the Institute's blog posts. Please feel free to email comments to be posted on your behalf to administrator@ageing.ox.ac.uk or use the Disqus facility linked below.
Opinions of the blogger is their own and not endorsed by the Institute
Comments Welcome: We welcome your comments on this or any of the Institute's blog posts. Please feel free to email comments to be posted on your behalf to administrator@ageing.ox.ac.uk or use the Disqus facility linked below.
